Rick Alexander

As I see it, the world is in a heap o’ trouble as we approach another Christmas. We need help. A lot of help!  We need Scared Straight Santa! Regular Santa has lost his edge. It happened around the time he ditched the pipe. You see, Scared Straight Santa doesn’t really care what people think. If you are naughty, you get jack! Tears on Christmas morning? Tough snickerdoodles! Should have thought about that and cleaned your room after mom hounded your a** for the 300th time.  No X-Box game?? no s**t, Sherlock! Should’ve considered these consequences while torturing your little sister. And when you visit Scared Straight Santa, he makes his expectations very, very clear. No Malarkey!


 As he sees it, what we have had is a failure to communicate. A failure to meet expectations. You see, Scared Straight Santa does have a quid pro quo: if you do what you’re told, obey the law and have a good attitude, Scared Straight delivers. Failure to do so gets you a ringside seat to watch while the rest of your family opens their presents on Christmas Morning.


For some reason “regular” Santa lost site of this covenant years ago. Bad kids have been getting everything they wanted, while the well behaved sometimes got cheated. Most times there was no rhyme or reason as to who got what. Not any more. There’s a new Santa in town, making Christmas great again!


As Scared Straight Santa says “I ain’t foolin’…you’d better watch out, you’d better not cry or I’ll really give you something to cry about! I don’t mean maybe, I don’t mean might: Shorty, pull it together while you got the chance or prepare for a sucko Christmas night!!

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